These should last me at least through next week. (Taken with instagram)

Had a 1:1 meeting with my manager today and I finally let him know that I have been contacted by other companies over the past couple months, but that I am committed to staying for the conceivable future not because of the company’s brand name but because of his direct management.

He responded by saying, “I am invested in you. I want to see you succeed in your career.” He then continued by saying that he would try to find tasks, projects, or even teams that would be tailored toward my career goals.

How many managers do, let alone, think like this? Note to self: This is why I am so satisfied at work.

ptL.

Damn. What a crazy year it’s been.

My personal life of 2010 is probably best characterized by the job search. 12 months ago I was ready to move on from EECS, convinced that nobody wanted me to work for them as a software developer. I swallowed my pride and started looking at jobs that I didn’t even really want. But as this year went by, it became clearer and clearer that not only does God have a perfect plan, He has perfect timing. When I was sulking about smaller companies not offering me jobs, God was showing me, “Just wait. I have something better in mind. And at a better time.”

Two memorable personal moments of the year:

#1. After my mandatory session in the spring is over with my academic advisor for exit counseling and confirming graduation, she shakes my hand and says, “Well congratulations Joseph. You’ll be graduating with a degree in engineering and it looks like this is the beginning of a successful career.” Even before I nailed a job offer, God was affirming me. The advisor probably says it to everybody as they are graduating, but these were the exact words I needed to hear that day.

#2. On the phone with a headhunter who was pursuing me, “You will never be out of a job for more than 3 weeks.” Again, words of affirmation that I had seemingly forgotten.

Not unlike my personal life, 2010 was a bit crazy in FiCB & church. Prior to the school year, I had envisioned a year of change and “waking people up” from sleepwalking through large group, small group, and church. I had planned on being a source of encouragement. But God had other plans. Through disappointments in the people who I had called my brothers and sisters God showed me a tiny window of the betrayal and disappointment with which I had tortured Him. And of course God outgave me. I had planned on giving to my brothers & sisters, encouraging His people. But damn, whenever I needed it, people came to me and brought me encouragement. True, scripture is the word of God and nothing can replace it, but God speaks to us in many ways.

To sum up, at the end of the day after all is said and done, what else can I do but worship?

ptL.

I’ve always been a small guy. Actually, no that’s not true. I was a fat baby at around 9 pounds, forcing my mom to get a C-section. But I’m a firm believer that elementary school days shape people more so than their infant years. Throughout elementary school, I was a soft kid. Maybe I can chalk that up to the fact that I was usually, physically, the smallest kid in any group setting. Or maybe that I was a younger brother to an older sister. Maybe it was because I had a nerdy image with glasses, collared shirt, khakis (never wore jeans…).

I was a prime target for bullies. I never really fought back. But I always had people around me who would stand up for me. It was something I took for granted and didn’t recognize until even just a couple years ago. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think much about being small. But as I’ve been spending more time teaching and looking after kids, I see how harsh kids can be to other kids with their words. A few of them have even challenged me within the past couple weeks (much to their demise).

I recognize that today, I have an incredible amount of influence among the younger guys at church. Little guys follow me around or copy the things I do or try to learn some of my jokes (SO crazy). I could easily just stay in my comfort zone. But lately victims of bullying have been pressing upon my heart. Junior high was one of the toughest times of my life when I didn’t know how to stand up for myself and I was desperate for acceptance. I am challenged by those people, peers and older folk alike, who have defended me, and in turn, helped shape the person I am today.

More so, I am challenged by Jesus, who regularly defended social outcasts such as widows, lepers, Samaritans, prostitutes, and tax collectors. What. a. g.

I’ve long entertained myself by fantasizing about my own funeral. Even back in elementary school, I’ve always wondered what my funeral would be like. Whose lives had I touched? Who would show up? Who would go through the entire funeral without checking the time? Five years after combating (and overcoming) depression and suicidal thoughts, I still think about my funeral. But now I also think about who would not have been at my funeral had I indeed taken my own life in high school. God has continued to place truly amazing people around me everywhere I’ve gone in Fremont, San Jose, Berkeley, San Francisco.. everywhere. As I turn 22, I am filled with hope and excitement for the life that God has set out for me.

At times, I’ve even wondered how or why I am even so blessed. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s about as damn close as worldly possible. I’ve got a loving, supporting, prayerful family that doesn’t struggle to make ends meet. I’ve got friends with whom I can have a good time but also connect on deeper levels. I’ve got what I consider the best possible job for somebody straight out of college because of the fun yet laid-back nature, significance of work, and compensation. So much to be thankful for. I hate to be cliche, but the biggest blessing of all has indeed been God’s faithfulness.

praise the Lord, indeed.

Last of the series on weaknesses.

What it is: excessive pride.

What it looks like: selfishness, jealousy, lust, selfish ambition, attention-whoring, racism/sexism, etc. A friend of mine told me that sexism is rooted in insecurity. Right… men are insecure and that’s what is causing men to act like jerks.

Why it’s so bad & the worst: Excessive pride can screw up anything. It has never led to anything good. Excessive pride is what made Lucifer separate himself from God, seeking worship for himself.

How I’m getting it under control: Time and again, I am reminded of how small of a piece I am in God’s humongous puzzle. I used to (and sometimes still do) fantasize about my funeral if I were to die right at the moment. I think about who might come, who might actually cry, who might speak at my funeral, and other things. But I realize now more than ever that life would go on. When saying my goodbyes to FiCB last year, many people have told me that it would be weird not seeing me and other seniors around FiCB/KCPC henceforth. To those people I replied, “You’ll forget about us seniors. You’ll get used to it.” I think my response disappointed some people, as they were probably expecting a more “heartfelt” or emotional response. As the new school year has kicked off, I stand by what I said. Life goes on. I, like many other men, have longed to “make a name for myself” or immortalize myself as a legend in this world. But as I read the book of Revelation, I am reminded that I am but a fleeting, tiny piece of God’s masterpiece, God’s all-encompassing, majestic Kingdom. How humbling.

One of the first lessons in Classical performance is thus: if you make a mistake, continue as if it never happened. Don’t smile, don’t make a face, and under NO condition should you stop playing. Of course musicians aren’t taught to completely disregard their mistakes once the performance is over, but during the performance, Classical musicians are taught to “sell their mistake” as if the mistake was not a mistake. I remember when my cello teacher taught me this, I tried to be a smart and asked, “What if I play something completely out of tune and with a weird rhythm  and it’s totally obvious to even the untrained ear?” She said something a long the lines of, “When you’re good enough, you can sell anything.” Reminds me of leaders and politicians who claim that their mistakes are not mistakes. I find it interesting that many, if not most, leaders and politicians admit to their mistakes only after they complete their terms as leader/politician. It’s probably what they are taught to do, as are musicians.

I remember my mom, a vocal major, once told me that the distinguishing characteristic between music and painting/sculpture is that music must be perfected by the time of presentation. In contrast, a painter/sculpture can correct his mistakes before presenting his work to an audience. But no matter how much a musician practices, he cannot correct his mistakes during performance. Sucks.

The top two weaknesses have definitely alternated as my top weakness but I’m going with my gut here.

What it is: disproportional and/or untimely outbursts of anger; directly proportional to impatience.

What it looks like: “Mountain Joey”.

Why it’s so bad: lets face it, this is probably the most volatile and destructive weakness when it comes to relationships. Fastest way to kill a relationship? Let your temper fly however big you want, whenever you want. Of course anger is not necessarily always wrong. Certain situations call for anger. If you think about it, Jesus was no Mr. Rogers. Many so-called Christians point to the famous “You have turned my father’s house into a den of robbers” passage as the only moment when Jesus gets angry. Silly that those so-called Christians overlook how harsh Jesus is towards the Pharisees.

How I’m getting it under control: timing and proportion. I’ve never participated in speech and debate, but my brain is rigged to outline my thoughts, counterpoints, and rebuttals. I try to remember to be quick to think and slow to speak. Listening before responding. Also, it helps to remember that the significant people in my life are not intending to bring harm or troubles to my life.

A reminder that not ALL guys might have these listed weaknesses, especially this one. Some guys have been blessed with a talent with the art of “sweet-talking” exemplified through charming ladies.

What it is: the carelessness in words/actions/timing; there exists a strongly negative correlation to what Koreans call “noonchi”.

What it looks like: saying/doing the wrong thing at the wrong time; inadvertently saying what everybody is thinking but trying to avoid saying for the sake of preventing awkwardness; :-! (yes, that is the foot-in-the-mouth emoticon).

Why it’s so bad: nobody wants to be friends or even around a person without tact. Tactless people have a knack for “killing the mood”. This is one of the first of the addressed weaknesses that directly affects relationships with other people. The genius who started the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” was a cold-hearted, anti-social prick who probably died alone. Words have the power to destroy people, whether it’s through starting/continuing rumors/gossip or accidentally/purposely saying hurtful things to a person’s face. It doesn’t surprise me that there are so many Proverbs that connect wisdom to control of words and foolishness to recklessness with words.

How I’m getting it under control: words may have the power to destroy people, but they also have the power to encourage and exhort people. When I began college, I approached my relationships with the mindset, “I want God to encourage other people through me whether it’s through lame jokes/stories, advice, prayers, or simply listening.” Doing so transformed my relationships in ways that made me regret that I had not adopted this mindset earlier. But of course I continue to be careless with my words and actions. As a classic introvert, every night before I go to sleep, I recap the day by retracing my words and actions throughout the day. I think about all the ways in which I interacted with people and how they responded (pleased? offended? awkward?). And if their responses were negative, I think about why, then I add the words/actions to my bank of things to avoid saying/doing in the future. Some nights I lay in bed thinking for at least an hour before I fall asleep. Random, but this reminds me of the joke about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering about the existence of dog.